Achillean Tale

Written on 4/27/26, finished at 4:44 pm

I will not be snuffed

I cannot be tamed

I am your abyssal waters

And I, your igniting flame

I am the fire that rages and flickers

I am a great lake overflowing

Into rivers, into streams

Colliding into heat, into ether, into steam..

You are engulfing, incinerating

And that sure, steady glow

You are the faith in my step

My abandon into chaos, into progress, into hope

I am your safest place

The courage beating in your chest

I am your weeping eyes

Your greatest trial, your truest test

I am the hand that rescues

And I, the strength that stands

The anchor to your ship

Sailing off to foreign lands

I am the wound that never healed

The thorn to your rose

I am the reason

For that final path you chose

Enigmatic Weaver

I am the Weaver

Enigmatic, seductive, and fierce

I am the power in silence, not in your compliance

I am the scream, the tempest, and the grace of dust settling into rubble

I am Mother

I am Lover

I am the polar, sacred Other

I am what nurtures the grounds of barren lands after their destruction

You fear what you don't understand

Messages fall flat on deaf ears

The cause is not lost

Only delayed

Meanwhile, in its place

Is a brewing storm

One of riddle and paradox

The storm of creative violence

In order to reap, we must sow

In order to sow, the soil must be turned

To become fertile with ash

The wreckage must be burned

I am Human

I am Goddess

I am the Divine Artist

Bold, yielding, and suggestive

I am the Dreamer

And I am the Awakened

I am the Creator

And all of her Creations 

Too Many Questions

I might have a bit of an Ego

But I think it's for the right reasons

I try to make amends by white knuckling life, scheming for better outcomes, and cheating destiny

Or being destiny?

I can no longer tell

I might be a bit of a Narcissist

Just remember I'm another facet of a Creator gone fucking mad

I'm doing my best

Is that an illusion?

Am I still just an unconscious puppet of my Subconscious?

How can I truly know?

Maybe my attempts are fruitless

Maybe I'm just another cringe fest

Confusing themselves for a Hero

Where is my self awareness?

Do I have too much or not enough of it?

Does the question answer itself?

Am I just another snake eating its own tail?

I feel like social interaction is a fun house

And my reflection keeps getting distorted

It's a game and I was never good at chess

Everyone wants to play and I keep flipping the board

On purpose and by mistake

But that's just faulty DNA

Everyone believes in eugenics until their own genes are at stake

Now I don't know where I stand

I'm back to the drawing board, trying to figure out my own plans

Instead of everyone else's agendas against me

Real or imagined

Destructive or supportive

Either way I'm moving forward

Accepting my shortcomings as much as my blind spots

That's the idea anyway

Embracing the shadow is hard

When the light doesn't understand dark

I'll do my best

Or at least try to

Untitled

I see wounds turn into scars turn into goblins

I hear pleas turn into screams turn into echoes from long lost memories

I feel my heart pound in response to lies and truths alike

And now instead of being frantic I've learned the stoic fight

I know this soldier is me because it simply had to be

I see resonance, I see smiles, I witness eyes lighting up

I hear laughter and kind words and humorous stories being told

I feel...almost a sense of ease follow the tension

Close to letting go of apprehensions

Temporarily

I know there is hope because I've experienced beauty boldy declared in silence and in notes

I see words, I hear feelings, and I feel what hasn't been spoken

I am shadow, I am suppression, I am you

Free, whole, and unbroken

We Are the Fae

I forgot how to write poems

Is that when you make your best attempt at translating the unexplainable into a distorted image someone can enjoy for a moment

Thinking they caught a glimpse of your humanity?

Or is it when you remember, for a moment, what life always was

Or when you let the writing remind you?

It doesn't happen often anymore

But when it does

Different seasons carry distinct smells, nightfalls, and atmospheric conditions for outer worlds to turn inward

By meeting me where I am and reaching me

Temporarily

Judgement falls away

Pretenses stop existing

And we're allowed to be with each other 

The lights are on

The currents are running

And everything that is real comes into being

Yes, including the Fae

And the income taxes

And everything in between

Isn't this where we all came from?

Before confusing ourselves for 

Pineal gland calcification

Synaptic pruning

And chemical imbalance?

Before confusing our world for chaos, sickness, and ruin?

We are emanations of Nature

We are waters flowing in their conscious, narrative, interactive forms

We are the Fae

And the Fae

Answer to no one

Remember

You confuse yourself for a stagnant pond

But you are a raging river that infinitely flows

Fills every space, reaches all receptive places on this earth

A melody that cascades into notes too high for the voice to reach

An electromagnetic spectrum beaming into colors the eyes are unable to see

You are what cannot be fathomed

Only felt

Experienced briefly before hiding again

I thought I built these barriers of brick, iron, and lead

I thought you did

But instead of you or me

It was life's way all along

Now you think what you are not

Is what you are

And as I run up against them

They give me pause.

And I realize for a moment

Maybe no one is at fault

But it isn't any less upsetting

I want to break them down more than I want to be immortal

Because mortal is not what we are

We are

Echoes, ripples, and beautiful consequences

Cell division, destruction and creation

Unspeakable paradise waiting to be explored

We are silent explosions of the invisible

Waiting to be discovered

We are way more than this

Why can't you.

Why can't I.

REMEMBER.

Serotonin

What is felt, cannot be seen

What is experienced, language fails to contain

There is a method to living in this moment

And that is by travelling through the neural pathways

Weaving through the physical mind, vessel of consciousness

They glimmer and serpentine 

And carry molecules as common as sand, but more precious than any gem found on this Earth

Molecules of oxytocin, dopamine, and 

Serotonin

Nature's gold

Unspoken word

Childhood bliss

The carrier of true wisdom

I feel like a philosopher, dabbling in truth, in search of meaning

Almost always out of reach

But close enough to admire

If I never had it, it wouldn't be missed

Childhood bliss 

Unspoken word

Nature's gold

Serotonin

I have dedicated songs to your beauty that so many continue to experience and take for granted

I Miss You by Blink182

Second Chance by Shinedown

Lateralus by Tool

Pneuma and Jambi

Just to name a few

You are small, but powerful beyond measure

You are the waking dream

The spark

The essence

The glow

The vibrance

The starlight in the infinite expanse of my mind

The indescribable

You are the messenger of meaning

You are what I live for,

My Love,

Serotonin. 

My Truth

Living inside, he emanates

Speaking out loud, she stumbles and finds the words

Together they coexist in conflict and harmony

We have the right, and the honor,

To imply our existence 

And hide from the masses

We are creation

She has the courage, and the audacity to slay dragons that can't be seen

He has the surrender to fall into the depth that is "other" 

Both carry the seed of their counterpart

He expresses his affection through the flowers that show up in winter

She proudly boasts, in rays of gold, when summer arrives

They are united 

And celebrated as individuals

She shines like the sun

He glows like the moon, reflecting her presence

Living in the same sky

They are one

Destructive "Advancement"

Metallic sounds of sliding gates

Open maws ready with profitable hate

The huntress within me baring teeth and claws

Is ready to spear predators without any pawse

Backed into corners, this wilderbeast

Is ready to fight, fuck, and feast

Warriors of shadow and light

Show up in tidal waves to fight for our lives

Water, elusive and mysterious

Conforming and shapeless

Knows only temporary bounds

There is no escape from power in numbers

There's no way to extinguish 

Our unstoppable flames

The most powerful retardants 

Are deployed in vain 

The paradox of destructive advancement continues on

Capturing the hearts of cult followings

A twisted and dying art

Parting trees with vicious machines

Clipping flowers to arrange them into pricey bouquets

There must be a way to stop the madness

Masquerading as sanity

Inaccessible

Beauty bursting into breakout dahlias

Transluscent eyes layered with a thousand questions

A wave of acknowledgement that says "I see you"

Accompanied by a smile that says "I understand"

Moments that haven't reached me, for now remaining inside 

Corvidae soaring above, expressing what my thoughts refuse to put into language

Dopamine burns and flutters

Awkward pauses and stutters

Two simple words relied on when no others can be found

Rhythm and rhymes bringing me back to your gaze in my mind's eye

Messages carried by animals

And sent through invisible thought-lines

My muse keeps going back to the unexpected

After meeting one of my greatest teachers who pulled laughter from my lungs the same way a spinster would pull thread from a wheel

Maybe what we want the most isn't guaranteed

Maybe it's always just out of reach; inaccessible

Forget Me Not

And I’ll forget not to remember my name

In our deepest realization we’re one in the same

Speaking through the flowers on this winding road

I’ll forget not who I am

The imagery is in your mind

Reflected out, ever-present

Guiding you to be free from doubt

I am the mountains, valleys, and rivers from where you originate

I am the voice always speaking to you

The child playing in the woods with sticks and stones

The collective whisper and nudge into the flow of your dream

The soft white noise lulling you to sleep in nearby streams

I’m the newly discovered melodies that play in your mind when the cannabis hits your receptors 

I’m the releasing of hypervigilance

The dropping of armor, the guards being let down 

The windows opening

The view becoming clear

The fog lifting

The truth becoming near

Forget not who I am

I am Love(d), Always

 Still trying to find my way

My eyes search aimlessly while true north  pulls at my heartstrings
We all know where we need to go
The heart is the compass, our roadmaps lie right in front of us
Yet fear creates resistance to flow
I'm present with many but I'm looking behind the concrete, illusions of lost and alone
A crow, blacker than charcoal and lighter than a monarch
Calls for my focus
Back to the moment, they suggest with a firm assurance before leaving me back to my silence
Waiting to see if I got the message
I'm here, my truth reminds me
Effervescent, ever-present
I am love(d), always
My voice speaks without a word.

Uncharted Territories

 It was like the world started laughing again for a moment

Not necessarily through me for the time being, so the humor showed up in hummingbirds and songs on the stereo my neighbor was playing and people going about their business

I found my way back by getting lost for a bit

The moon was full, so a thought said "this is lunacy"

I knew to an outside observer the sight would be nothing less 

Going from giggling to frowning to staring off not so vacantly when there's no outside company can be concerning to people who don't understand

But it's how I keep my friends near when there's distance

I remember crying so hard I laughed 

When I asked to be basked in the presence of my soulmate

The feeling was almost as strong as the memory of the first time I fell into love

Except it was more like softly dropping into something unapologetic and consuming in the best way imaginable

Now I'm trying to break down walls and build fences so I don't get hurt playing in uncharted territories

Sometimes things are more beautiful from a distance

Sometimes I just want to explore.

The Way to Heal

She says come back to me, river running deep 

Let me be your ocean

Your peaceful night's sleep

Remember where you came from

Let yourself flow, love

Cry it out, take your course, and don't judge

I'll be your listening ear to your trickling rush

Your beauty that explains itself

You speak of the universal life 

That runs through everyone

You are connected to all, to Mother's veins

Which move with a wisdom learned from various pains

You are the same

Let me take a step back and decipher

Breathe into my heart what I'm trying to find through this

Passion through poetry

Freedom in art

I always thought raw emotion should precede the stanzas

Still, this seems mostly cerebral

Does this come from origins ethereal?

From a source I will one day get to remember?

Maybe this is the way to heal.

The Paramedic

 My heart is taking its rightful time to open

With the right amount of light I've been reaching for these days

Since the day I thought it was faulty

My mind has had no trouble letting you in

You looked at the proof printed out in front of you

Carefully studied the zigzagging lines like they were the world's shortest biography

And you said it was perfect

I had no idea

I was in pain, answering more of your questions

When your eyes reflected my worry with genuine concern that I can't remember seeing in eyes more familiar to me

I've wondered if that look was actually a collection of stories that made your own heart heavy over time, and I just happened to be a part of your newest one

If it came from a deeper understanding that not many people know about,

Or if it was as simple as empathy

Mirror neurons doing their jobs combined with good bedside manner

I might never know for sure

I guess it isn't fair

When it's someone's job to care

And when I've been known to project what I like to see

Untitled

Starlight found in the black nights

Sunshine pouring in through the long cries

Overwhelming joy in the future daydreams

Bittersweet remnants soaking in through the cracks of past memories

Desperation for renewal

The need to turn my chemistry back 15 years

When neurotransmitters were ignited by the smell of summer barbecues

When I'd laugh at the drop of a hat and moments never felt misused

I wonder if I find more comfort in a past that's already behind me

Or in a future that doesn't exist

Except it's here in my mind

And it feels like inverted nostalgic bliss

Hold me in this moment so I can feel the oxytocin flood my brain

And welcome in a new life

Almost like a chance to start over

To be restored, awakened; childlike

If I haven't met you yet

Then find me someday walking beside the waters

Befriended by those loyal, towering trees

It is there you will truly know me

My Courage, My Compass

Here we are, together in our safe place

We met in a daydream within a day dream

Resting in our embrace on the forest floor

Surrounded by faithful pines filtering in just the right amount of daylight

You are the right conditions for my growth

As I simply sit here in your arms

You sing me back to life

You know your limits but you don't take the moment too seriously

So it's allowed

Your voice, humble smile melodic

Missing notes, perfectly you stumble

I enjoy the humanity you offer as you rejuvinate in mine

You are a small man of five foot three

Your face humble like your voice, it's exactly what I need

Framed by a carefree mop of burnt sienna hair

Your humility is your grace

You are the night watchman of my subconscious

My heart's compass, my Animus 

You move me into a life of adventure

In my worlds between awake and asleep

One day, not too far off, we meet face to face

You look different now

The man from my mind has matured into

Tall, hard working, and conventionally handsome

Maybe we're in another life

You go to bed before the sun sets

And wake up before it rises

We have a simple life of obligations

In between work and sleep

We run off together

Sneaking around and boarding afternoon trains

We meet with other free spirits to discuss radical ideas

As alike as we are in our rebellion, we are truly opposites

You're a Republican with a type A personality

And I'm wearing a long skirt and sleeveless shirt in Earth tones

As usual I come without plans

You are the structure to my flow

I am the listening ear to your speeches

As I look up at you in your glory

David Kushner plays in the background of my thoughts

I put in my two cents

And you turn them into millions

I would say I'm starstruck, except for the fact that you know how to keep me grounded

You are my courage

You leave me with one last memory

We stand up on a moving train

Facing each other and smiling

Playing and marvelling at the fabric of my dream falling apart with its nonsensical physics

And then I wake up

Feeling refreshed and aspiring to be courage

Just like you

Minus the right wing political views

Distant Promise

Lone star blazing in the sky

Motion picture signal tower lights

I love it when the Day meets Night

Even when my body leaves my mind

Twilight in-between state

This haze leaves no room for hate

I fall humble

To the white rabbit running late

My eyes were too far apart this morning 

My brain gave me fair warning

So I ground myself in the steps I take

Down Seventh Street, and sit in the grass

Looking up at the lone star

And the tower's red light

Blinking in and out of existence 

Signaling and receiving

As I understand the meaning,

A wish floats by

So I grasp it for a moment

And send it off with love

That blazing promise up above

Is even more distant than the world around me

But...

I can still have faith in what I see

Nostalgia

 Even though we become layered and forgetful

The same life we began with resides in us until our last thoughts burn out

Mine began two and a half decades ago

Like the terpenes emanating from sugar pines

It stays with me, evergreen 

It is the swamp cooler still humming steadily in my family's house all those summers I came to visit

The wraparound deck outlooking the mountains that the moon would slowly disappear behind on clear nights

And the air had a consciousness and quality no other place had

It's not quite vacant

It is the flavor of vanilla soft serve ice cream

Before it evolved into frozen sugar

Or before I slowly stopped picking up on the subtleties 

The distant parts of me

That life inside of me sounds like Maroon 5 playing on the car radio

Taking us up into the winding roads of the San Pablo hills

Where I would climb the backyard tree

Into the tallest branches that would hold me

Without a hint of fear

My purest self remains, forever fearless, without a doubt

In the place where life would invite me to smile

And I would burst into hysterical laughter

I'd always hear silence ringing in my ears

When I spent time alone in my grandma's attic

Watching dust floating, caught up in the sunbeams

Telling stories that came to pass

Everything was vivid with a novelty I can't describe

Still, the best way to experience nostalgia

Is within your mind

Beautiful Night

 You say I'm the sun

But I don't think it was meant to be

A worn out cliche

Because when I think about the sun

It's not only golden, warm, and bright

The way we like to think of it as a metaphor for the people who change our lives

It's distant. Completely out of reach

If we flew too close we'd burn

So it lies, not too far away

But not too close

To give us life and sustain it

And while we wait through the long winters 

Until it's rays can touch us again

That's where you come in

Beautiful night, you're breathtaking

Sometimes I wait all day just to be in your presence again

You're quiet, still, and have so much to say

But you're ashamed

You think you don't shine enough

But all I want to be is the moon

Absorbed in expansive blackness

Forever free, waxing and waning

Glowing in brilliant fullness

Before going absent 

Cycling through your eons, your cold mystery

You're my absence and my presence

My demons and my lessons

You with your raven wings

Could soar so much higher than you realize

If you only recognized your beauty

Your purpose

So please don't paint yourself white

Keep teaching

Keep making blood boil and hearts break open

Keep breaking mirrors

Keep shattering those illusions

Because my love, without you

I wouldn't have a reason to shine

I would be a constant

Forgettable and taken for granted

And if I shined, well

The world would be blind