The Paramedic

 My heart is taking its rightful time to open

With the right amount of light I've been reaching for these days

Since the day I thought it was faulty

My mind has had no trouble letting you in

You looked at the proof printed out in front of you

Carefully studied the zigzagging lines like they were the world's shortest biography

And you said it was perfect

I had no idea

I was in pain, answering more of your questions

When your eyes reflected my worry with genuine concern that I can't remember seeing in eyes more familiar to me

I've wondered if that look was actually a collection of stories that made your own heart heavy over time, and I just happened to be a part of your newest one

If it came from a deeper understanding that not many people know about,

Or if it was as simple as empathy

Mirror neurons doing their jobs combined with good bedside manner

I might never know for sure

I guess it isn't fair

When it's someone's job to care

And when I've been known to project what I like to see

Untitled

Starlight found in the black nights

Sunshine pouring in through the long cries

Overwhelming joy in the future daydreams

Bittersweet remnants soaking in through the cracks of past memories

Desperation for renewal

The need to turn my chemistry back 15 years

When neurotransmitters were ignited by the smell of summer barbecues

When I'd laugh at the drop of a hat and moments never felt misused

I wonder if I find more comfort in a past that's already behind me

Or in a future that doesn't exist

Except it's here in my mind

And it feels like inverted nostalgic bliss

Hold me in this moment so I can feel the oxytocin flood my brain

And welcome in a new life

Almost like a chance to start over

To be restored, awakened; childlike

If I haven't met you yet

Then find me someday walking beside the waters

Befriended by those loyal, towering trees

It is there you will truly know me

My Courage, My Compass

Here we are, together in our safe place

We met in a daydream within a day dream

Resting in our embrace on the forest floor

Surrounded by faithful pines filtering in just the right amount of daylight

You are the right conditions for my growth

As I simply sit here in your arms

You sing me back to life

You know your limits but you don't take the moment too seriously

So it's allowed

Your voice, humble smile melodic

Missing notes, perfectly you stumble

I enjoy the humanity you offer as you rejuvinate in mine

You are a small man of five foot three

Your face humble like your voice, it's exactly what I need

Framed by a carefree mop of burnt sienna hair

Your humility is your grace

You are the night watchman of my subconscious

My heart's compass, my Animus 

You move me into a life of adventure

In my worlds between awake and asleep

One day, not too far off, we meet face to face

You look different now

The man from my mind has matured into

Tall, hard working, and conventionally handsome

Maybe we're in another life

You go to bed before the sun sets

And wake up before it rises

We have a simple life of obligations

In between work and sleep

We run off together

Sneaking around and boarding afternoon trains

We meet with other free spirits to discuss radical ideas

As alike as we are in our rebellion, we are truly opposites

You're a Republican with a type A personality

And I'm wearing a long skirt and sleeveless shirt in Earth tones

As usual I come without plans

You are the structure to my flow

I am the listening ear to your speeches

As I look up at you in your glory

David Kushner plays in the background of my thoughts

I put in my two cents

And you turn them into millions

I would say I'm starstruck, except for the fact that you know how to keep me grounded

You are my courage

You leave me with one last memory

We stand up on a moving train

Facing each other and smiling

Playing and marvelling at the fabric of my dream falling apart with its nonsensical physics

And then I wake up

Feeling refreshed and aspiring to be courage

Just like you

Minus the right wing political views

Distant Promise

Lone star blazing in the sky

Motion picture signal tower lights

I love it when the Day meets Night

Even when my body leaves my mind

Twilight in-between state

This haze leaves no room for hate

I fall humble

To the white rabbit running late

My eyes were too far apart this morning 

My brain gave me fair warning

So I ground myself in the steps I take

Down Seventh Street, and sit in the grass

Looking up at the lone star

And the tower's red light

Blinking in and out of existence 

Signaling and receiving

As I understand the meaning,

A wish floats by

So I grasp it for a moment

And send it off with love

That blazing promise up above

Is even more distant than the world around me

But...

I can still have faith in what I see

Nostalgia

 Even though we become layered and forgetful

The same life we began with resides in us until our last thoughts burn out

Mine began two and a half decades ago

Like the terpenes emanating from sugar pines

It stays with me, evergreen 

It is the swamp cooler still humming steadily in my family's house all those summers I came to visit

The wraparound deck outlooking the mountains that the moon would slowly disappear behind on clear nights

And the air had a consciousness and quality no other place had

It's not quite vacant

It is the flavor of vanilla soft serve ice cream

Before it evolved into frozen sugar

Or before I slowly stopped picking up on the subtleties 

The distant parts of me

That life inside of me sounds like Maroon 5 playing on the car radio

Taking us up into the winding roads of the San Pablo hills

Where I would climb the backyard tree

Into the tallest branches that would hold me

Without a hint of fear

My purest self remains, forever fearless, without a doubt

In the place where life would invite me to smile

And I would burst into hysterical laughter

I'd always hear silence ringing in my ears

When I spent time alone in my grandma's attic

Watching dust floating, caught up in the sunbeams

Telling stories that came to pass

Everything was vivid with a novelty I can't describe

Still, the best way to experience nostalgia

Is within your mind

Beautiful Night

 You say I'm the sun

But I don't think it was meant to be

A worn out cliche

Because when I think about the sun

It's not only golden, warm, and bright

The way we like to think of it as a metaphor for the people who change our lives

It's distant. Completely out of reach

If we flew too close we'd burn

So it lies, not too far away

But not too close

To give us life and sustain it

And while we wait through the long winters 

Until it's rays can touch us again

That's where you come in

Beautiful night, you're breathtaking

Sometimes I wait all day just to be in your presence again

You're quiet, still, and have so much to say

But you're ashamed

You think you don't shine enough

But all I want to be is the moon

Absorbed in expansive blackness

Forever free, waxing and waning

Glowing in brilliant fullness

Before going absent 

Cycling through your eons, your cold mystery

You're my absence and my presence

My demons and my lessons

You with your raven wings

Could soar so much higher than you realize

If you only recognized your beauty

Your purpose

So please don't paint yourself white

Keep teaching

Keep making blood boil and hearts break open

Keep breaking mirrors

Keep shattering those illusions

Because my love, without you

I wouldn't have a reason to shine

I would be a constant

Forgettable and taken for granted

And if I shined, well

The world would be blind

Weird

I'm fucking weird and I know it

I feel it but I can't show it

Sometimes I can't feel anything except

What I'm trying to hold onto

But what am I holding onto?

I was never taught how to smile

There's a divide between us

Because of your thin slice judgments 

And my lack of common sense

Which I'm grateful for

Because sense that's common is madness

If I don't keep my own 

What will I have to guide me home?

I never speak more than 5 words to those who aren't willing to listen

I'll never show my true colors to those who aren't willing to see

Because who is blind here, really?

I would offer you a nice reflection

Something easy and pretty to look at

Something expected

Except your words get distorted along with your intentions

When most other people see your persona

I see a broken filter

A prism shooting sunbeams off in too many different directions

Where am I supposed to focus?

You think I'm not playing with a full deck

But you refuse to put down the game

Maybe we're not the same

I'm the threat, the leper, the Other

But it's strange, because you see,

There's no reason to hide from me

Our thoughts might be different 

But in this life we forget that essentially 

We're fucking weird

We are the same