Purposeful Ramblings

 I guess at this point I’m just writing for the hell of it.

Because art is a way to stay alive

And doesn’t need to be monetized for profit

I’ll just start by saying what’s on my mind

I don’t know if it’s “healthy” to go back to what I left behind

Or did you leave behind me? What is my reality? Fragile or

What we want it to be?

I’m letting these words flow because I need an outlet and

There's no other place for my energy to go

I’ll proofread it later, cringe a little, and then go on to write another

Once I pluck up the courage.

For now I’ll just revel in feeling like a temporary genius

I have a feeling this might be my best work, because this time I’m not trying so hard

Kind of how I’ve been sitting in front of people these days and

Having enough of the fuck-its to stop holding on to judgements 

Because if they don’t like me...

What do I have to lose? I’m already one of the most hated people in town

May as well stop shrinking myself and forcing smiles

I'll proudly be a threat, or better yet

A timidly terrifying covert narcissist 

With eyes of steel and a heart of gold

In truth though, I'm lost just like all of you 

Once I dropped my guard and allowed you to judge me

You didn’t. Or at least I wasn’t projecting that you were

With the insecurities of a neurodivergent fae holding up a transparent mask 

I don’t know what to believe anymore and maybe that’s my freedom

Ambivalence is confusing but it’s food for my imagination

My ego craves to be felt

My soul wants to be understood

Or it might be the other way around

I want to find my way around the maze that I live in

I want to find my way back to what feels right

And that’s always what isn’t best for me, ironically

It’s strange because pot taught me when I was 16

That everything is not what it seems

So maybe what seems unhealthy is actually a way to heal

Or maybe I’m just brainwashed. Who isn’t?

All I know is I’m having fun pretending all this matters

In the end, I’d like to think I have my answers.