Insomnia

 At first it’s all about the torment 

Wondering night after night  if you’ll finally be embraced by that peaceful escape

Relaxing into her arms

Securely held until morning

You need that glass of water the stranded lunatic in the desert would kill for

They see a mirage, think it’s an oasis 

And go further on into insanity in search for what they need until it's time to give up

So close, yet so far away

The desperation turns into anger turns into rage,

Which turns into grief over someone you never knew you loved 

Weeping for her, so plain and forgettable to most, but to you a Goddess out of reach

You only miss her when she stops visiting every night

She's that angel of temporary death you wait for 

Patiently at first, then as nights turn into weeks you long for the permanence 

You want her to show up and take you into beautiful darkness 

The kind that doesn’t end when you wake up,

But in a long tunnel you’ve been wondering about for years

This time the idea of letting go isn’t so scary

It could be like an old friend you’ve been waiting ages to see

It could be a sigh of sweet relief from years of disease

Finally being able to truly breathe

Finally, you could be free

After passing so many tests, death isn’t longed for so much as

Softly welcomed

You could go tonight and wake up in the morning

You could go tomorrow and pass on to another realm

Either one is fine, and when it happens it's truly time 

For now being stuck in limbo isn’t so rage-inducing

Heart wrenching or even terrifying

It’s just where I exist now, and for now that’s okay

Because everything is temporary

And in existence is death

I’ve made peace with it too many times to yearn or be afraid

Blinding demon of light

You’ve made me too strong

Your torment turned me into a soldier 

Your battles made me stop fighting

My screams are now over

It's time to lay down to rest, and not see my bed as an enemy, but a welcoming friend <3