Insomnia

 At first it’s all about the torment 

Wondering night after night  if you’ll finally be embraced by that peaceful escape

Relaxing into her arms

Securely held until morning

You need that glass of water the stranded lunatic in the desert would kill for

They see a mirage, think it’s an oasis 

And go further on into insanity in search for what they need until it's time to give up

So close, yet so far away

The desperation turns into anger turns into rage,

Which turns into grief over someone you never knew you loved 

Weeping for her, so plain and forgettable to most, but to you a Goddess out of reach

You only miss her when she stops visiting every night

She's that angel of temporary death you wait for 

Patiently at first, then as nights turn into weeks you long for the permanence 

You want her to show up and take you into beautiful darkness 

The kind that doesn’t end when you wake up,

But in a long tunnel you’ve been wondering about for years

This time the idea of letting go isn’t so scary

It could be like an old friend you’ve been waiting ages to see

It could be a sigh of sweet relief from years of disease

Finally being able to truly breathe

Finally, you could be free

After passing so many tests, death isn’t longed for so much as

Softly welcomed

You could go tonight and wake up in the morning

You could go tomorrow and pass on to another realm

Either one is fine, and when it happens it's truly time 

For now being stuck in limbo isn’t so rage-inducing

Heart wrenching or even terrifying

It’s just where I exist now, and for now that’s okay

Because everything is temporary

And in existence is death

I’ve made peace with it too many times to yearn or be afraid

Blinding demon of light

You’ve made me too strong

Your torment turned me into a soldier 

Your battles made me stop fighting

My screams are now over

It's time to lay down to rest, and not see my bed as an enemy, but a welcoming friend <3

Purposeful Ramblings

 I guess at this point I’m just writing for the hell of it.

Because art is a way to stay alive

And doesn’t need to be monetized for profit

I’ll just start by saying what’s on my mind

I don’t know if it’s “healthy” to go back to what I left behind

Or did you leave behind me? What is my reality? Fragile or

What we want it to be?

I’m letting these words flow because I need an outlet and

There's no other place for my energy to go

I’ll proofread it later, cringe a little, and then go on to write another

Once I pluck up the courage.

For now I’ll just revel in feeling like a temporary genius

I have a feeling this might be my best work, because this time I’m not trying so hard

Kind of how I’ve been sitting in front of people these days and

Having enough of the fuck-its to stop holding on to judgements 

Because if they don’t like me...

What do I have to lose? I’m already one of the most hated people in town

May as well stop shrinking myself and forcing smiles

I'll proudly be a threat, or better yet

A timidly terrifying covert narcissist 

With eyes of steel and a heart of gold

In truth though, I'm lost just like all of you 

Once I dropped my guard and allowed you to judge me

You didn’t. Or at least I wasn’t projecting that you were

With the insecurities of a neurodivergent fae holding up a transparent mask 

I don’t know what to believe anymore and maybe that’s my freedom

Ambivalence is confusing but it’s food for my imagination

My ego craves to be felt

My soul wants to be understood

Or it might be the other way around

I want to find my way around the maze that I live in

I want to find my way back to what feels right

And that’s always what isn’t best for me, ironically

It’s strange because pot taught me when I was 16

That everything is not what it seems

So maybe what seems unhealthy is actually a way to heal

Or maybe I’m just brainwashed. Who isn’t?

All I know is I’m having fun pretending all this matters

In the end, I’d like to think I have my answers.

Stained Glass - An Old Poem

My eyes are stained glass windows

You'll never see my soul

You know that they distract you

But you never see them glow

That spirit I once knew

It's hiding in the dark

But if you focus carefully

You'll find that purple spark

A candle flickers dimly

From all who dared to look

If I let that flame consume me

You'll read me like a book

Don't try to break the glass

Don't try to look inside

Unless you give me reason

To sing the song I hide

Snakes

 Underground tunnels are below us, slithering with snakes

They’re disguised above ground and I don’t know what to make of it 

I’m just speculating, trying to make sense of it all

I don’t always know which way is up and which way is down

Sometimes I’m pulled in both directions at once somehow

I’ll expose the conspiracies to myself

Describe the fallacies and pick apart reality

The question I ask the most is who am I?

 Because I’m trying to make the pieces fit

Sometimes they do, effortlessly when I remember it’s all a test

And (mostly) everything I’ve been told is a lie.

The county’s favorite umbrella organization

Monopolized Embezzlement

Created their own fragments of me, they’d like to keep

Slithering through the tunnels, they file away what they choose

And keep me out at all costs

Another piece created by my soul companion

3 more pieces lost to employers because they were in on it too

Triangulation turned into me against the world

The minute I started to realize there were too many “coincidences”

And it’s only paranoia if you’re wrong.