Fragmented

 She lives over there, curled up under ten story trees on a pine needle bed

Warmed by the sun’s rays and taking in the scents of baked evergreens, fallen cones, and hundreds of beings in their unbroken home

Summer evening is the oldest and truest medicine made especially for her

The sky is her limit, her language is wordless

He crouches in the shadows, Animus, with eyes of steel and a heart of gold

Eyes of steal

His heart forever sold

If you were able to get close enough to feel his embrace, you’d feel his embers too

Coursing through open channel veins

They burn for you, and only you

The embers originating from his bonfire heart

Coals never dying, they scream on forever

Without even knowing, you keep creating sparks

Just by speaking his name

With your smiling eyes, mischievous, you stoke the flames

You are the air he breathes and the earth that keeps him alive

He is fire intoxicated, you are the finest wine

Fae Reborn

 She is a collection of symmetrical particles in asymmetric formation

Misunderstood masterpiece

Tantalizing

Timeless

As we all know, her beauty is seasonal

Each and every piece of this world will decompose

So the seeds of psyche have a chance to unfold

I watch her, dull and unmoving to the naked eye

Sinking without worry into her soft embracing Mother

The original other

Becoming Earth, this girl is cradled in her lively hearth

Porcelain face stone cold, flawless, and receiving fate

Always with yielding grace

She was once hated for being a walking death

And is now loved for her sleeping life

Soil slowly encases her form

Breathless, peaceful, and well worn

Tendrils of ivy wrap around ivory flesh

Blossoms overtake her, sisters enmeshed 

Finally now she is no longer rotten

She is decaying into ecstasy

Happily forgotten 

For the forgotten are eternally blessed

Taken into Queendom

Reclaimed by fae, never again laid to rest.

Desecration

 These feelings aren’t tears

To flow, cleanse, and release

Is now only a distant pipe dream

These blades rape, they cut into me

Sowing what they reap

Planted by another, the fingers which writhe in my mind

Penetrate

Violate

Demonstrate

Victimize another failed creation

The artist frowns, so the perpetrator can thrive in elation

Everything is an ongoing contagion

Emotions are no exception

Watch out for vampires

Parasites love to make examples of perfection

To pillage, tamper, and desecrate temples

This is no sacred place

This vessel was crafted in vain

What pains me is why?

What did I gain out of futility?

Nothing grows here anymore

The scapegoat is always the unanswered question.

Burning Flowers

 I’m strong enough to laugh at my torment, smile through pain

And even sometimes to sulk in the rain

Even though I was spoiled on paradise, for that short window of time

When summer was a beautiful thing, not a scorching reminder of

A collapsing society and a burning planet

When the clouds looked like “God” ripped up small pieces of cotton

And scattered them across the sky just to remind me I was loved

The stars could see me looking back at them

Because we weren’t so different

It was simple back then 

Everyone’s faces, young and old, were still glowing with brand new life

And seemingly, innocence to what was about to happen

The calm before the storm

The hurricane has a purpose, to shake things up so they can settle in different places

It started happening behind the scenes in December of 2012

I didn’t need to meet the mechanical elves, but maybe one day I’ll be worthy

I lived the interconnectivity of my molecules touching space

Being the essence of life instead of a separate form surrounded by it

I knew auras without seeing their colors

Became aware of interdimensional consciousness by living a human experience

Without seeing fractals, I walked the line between the mundane and divine

If medicine teaches truth, then I still wonder if the dreams I had were evidence

That everything is not what it seems, even when logic becomes painfully convincing

So convincing the victimhood of being divided becomes the trip

She taught that me and our counterparts cancelled each other out, neutralized.

That the abuse was created by the mind

And one day you wake up from the Big Dream,

Instead of die.

Synchronicities

 I ask for answers and they come to me in reflections

You can do it too, if you look into the pond

It’s all around you

Thoughts and questions make a ripple effect

Wait for still waters, they run clear and deep

You’ll see the stones as symbols, awake or asleep

The answers I get can be in words, written on Hallmark cards

Heard in commercials, or they can be written in the stars

Sometimes they show up even when I don’t ask a thing

Two ravens soaring by, two crows lighting up the sky

One bird the inner mind, the second one, a reflection following behind

Two white dogs smiling, walking side by side

A song on the radio at the perfect time

It doesn’t matter why, reason or rhyme

Follow your intuition and leave logic behind.

Roots Run Deep

 My mind is a tree of many branches

That the many refuse to understand

They’ve tried to box it up behind rows of concrete

Prune away my leaves, and stunt my growth

Society is angry that my roots continue to break through the pavement

The upheaval of their sidewalk cafes are an inconvenience

I have no place to go

Except a forest one day

I wait to be transplanted away from the mess of humanity

The sickness of normative minds

So I can finally have enough space to reach my fullest potential

Which is

Being exactly who I am

My mind is a tree of many branches

Reaching for the sunlight

My roots run deep

I have no real need to leave, to be transplanted anywhere

I’ll be the beautiful eyesore in the suburbs

The weed that chokes out their gardens 

Behind white picket fences and 8x8 flower boxes

I’ll continue to ruin their day by growing as tall as I can

Even if they bring their chainsaws and cut me down to size

I’ll grow again and I will rise

I’ll be the constant reminder that we all have roots that run deep

That we all communicate in our sleep

The soil is poisoned, our fruits are reaped

But we all share a truth we get to keep.

Insomnia

 At first it’s all about the torment 

Wondering night after night  if you’ll finally be embraced by that peaceful escape

Relaxing into her arms

Securely held until morning

You need that glass of water the stranded lunatic in the desert would kill for

They see a mirage, think it’s an oasis 

And go further on into insanity in search for what they need until it's time to give up

So close, yet so far away

The desperation turns into anger turns into rage,

Which turns into grief over someone you never knew you loved 

Weeping for her, so plain and forgettable to most, but to you a Goddess out of reach

You only miss her when she stops visiting every night

She's that angel of temporary death you wait for 

Patiently at first, then as nights turn into weeks you long for the permanence 

You want her to show up and take you into beautiful darkness 

The kind that doesn’t end when you wake up,

But in a long tunnel you’ve been wondering about for years

This time the idea of letting go isn’t so scary

It could be like an old friend you’ve been waiting ages to see

It could be a sigh of sweet relief from years of disease

Finally being able to truly breathe

Finally, you could be free

After passing so many tests, death isn’t longed for so much as

Softly welcomed

You could go tonight and wake up in the morning

You could go tomorrow and pass on to another realm

Either one is fine, and when it happens it's truly time 

For now being stuck in limbo isn’t so rage-inducing

Heart wrenching or even terrifying

It’s just where I exist now, and for now that’s okay

Because everything is temporary

And in existence is death

I’ve made peace with it too many times to yearn or be afraid

Blinding demon of light

You’ve made me too strong

Your torment turned me into a soldier 

Your battles made me stop fighting

My screams are now over

It's time to lay down to rest, and not see my bed as an enemy, but a welcoming friend <3

Purposeful Ramblings

 I guess at this point I’m just writing for the hell of it.

Because art is a way to stay alive

And doesn’t need to be monetized for profit

I’ll just start by saying what’s on my mind

I don’t know if it’s “healthy” to go back to what I left behind

Or did you leave behind me? What is my reality? Fragile or

What we want it to be?

I’m letting these words flow because I need an outlet and

There's no other place for my energy to go

I’ll proofread it later, cringe a little, and then go on to write another

Once I pluck up the courage.

For now I’ll just revel in feeling like a temporary genius

I have a feeling this might be my best work, because this time I’m not trying so hard

Kind of how I’ve been sitting in front of people these days and

Having enough of the fuck-its to stop holding on to judgements 

Because if they don’t like me...

What do I have to lose? I’m already one of the most hated people in town

May as well stop shrinking myself and forcing smiles

I'll proudly be a threat, or better yet

A timidly terrifying covert narcissist 

With eyes of steel and a heart of gold

In truth though, I'm lost just like all of you 

Once I dropped my guard and allowed you to judge me

You didn’t. Or at least I wasn’t projecting that you were

With the insecurities of a neurodivergent fae holding up a transparent mask 

I don’t know what to believe anymore and maybe that’s my freedom

Ambivalence is confusing but it’s food for my imagination

My ego craves to be felt

My soul wants to be understood

Or it might be the other way around

I want to find my way around the maze that I live in

I want to find my way back to what feels right

And that’s always what isn’t best for me, ironically

It’s strange because pot taught me when I was 16

That everything is not what it seems

So maybe what seems unhealthy is actually a way to heal

Or maybe I’m just brainwashed. Who isn’t?

All I know is I’m having fun pretending all this matters

In the end, I’d like to think I have my answers.

Stained Glass - An Old Poem

My eyes are stained glass windows

You'll never see my soul

You know that they distract you

But you never see them glow

That spirit I once knew

It's hiding in the dark

But if you focus carefully

You'll find that purple spark

A candle flickers dimly

From all who dared to look

If I let that flame consume me

You'll read me like a book

Don't try to break the glass

Don't try to look inside

Unless you give me reason

To sing the song I hide

Snakes

 Underground tunnels are below us, slithering with snakes

They’re disguised above ground and I don’t know what to make of it 

I’m just speculating, trying to make sense of it all

I don’t always know which way is up and which way is down

Sometimes I’m pulled in both directions at once somehow

I’ll expose the conspiracies to myself

Describe the fallacies and pick apart reality

The question I ask the most is who am I?

 Because I’m trying to make the pieces fit

Sometimes they do, effortlessly when I remember it’s all a test

And (mostly) everything I’ve been told is a lie.

The county’s favorite umbrella organization

Monopolized Embezzlement

Created their own fragments of me, they’d like to keep

Slithering through the tunnels, they file away what they choose

And keep me out at all costs

Another piece created by my soul companion

3 more pieces lost to employers because they were in on it too

Triangulation turned into me against the world

The minute I started to realize there were too many “coincidences”

And it’s only paranoia if you’re wrong.

The Black Dog

 Losing to the black dog?

We like to think of the black dog as a ferocious beast with a snapping jaw

He's a Doberman with untrimmed claws that like to dig away at our sanity

Until there's nothing left at all

He's full of mange, eyes filled with a fearful rage

He'll tear you limb from limb and watch you fall

Right?

I like to think of his brother as a smiling black lab

Toppling over his victims with kisses and a thrashing tail

Free from the hands of this angry world

He's untouched

I'd like to think I could be forgiven

That I'd be shown enough mercy for such a greeting

His smiling face sniffing mine 

Waking me up from a bad fever dream

Grinning and ready to play

I would go back 10 years. 24 to 14

Laying in the grass under a late September sun

This place has no hatred, no fear, no shadowy corners to hide in

It smells like summer kissing fall 

It sounds like your best friend's laughter

And it feels like looking into the eyes of the one you love 1,000 times over

When we come back Home we're children once again 

Remastered like an album with your favorite song

We can leave the hurt behind

Once and for all

If only we let ourselves lose

To the black dog