Beautiful Night

 You say I'm the sun

But I don't think it was meant to be

A worn out cliche

Because when I think about the sun

It's not only golden, warm, and bright

The way we like to think of it as a metaphor for the people who change our lives

It's distant. Completely out of reach

If we flew too close we'd burn

So it lies, not too far away

But not too close

To give us life and sustain it

And while we wait through the long winters 

Until it's rays can touch us again

That's where you come in

Beautiful night, you're breathtaking

Sometimes I wait all day just to be in your presence again

You're quiet, still, and have so much to say

But you're ashamed

You think you don't shine enough

But all I want to be is the moon

Absorbed in expansive blackness

Forever free, waxing and waning

Glowing in brilliant fullness

Before going absent 

Cycling through your eons, your cold mystery

You're my absence and my presence

My demons and my lessons

You with your raven wings

Could soar so much higher than you realize

If you only recognized your beauty

Your purpose

So please don't paint yourself white

Keep teaching

Keep making blood boil and hearts break open

Keep breaking mirrors

Keep shattering those illusions

Because my love, without you

I wouldn't have a reason to shine

I would be a constant

Forgettable and taken for granted

And if I shined, well

The world would be blind

Weird

I'm fucking weird and I know it

I feel it but I can't show it

Sometimes I can't feel anything except

What I'm trying to hold onto

But what am I holding onto?

I was never taught how to smile

There's a divide between us

Because of your thin slice judgments 

And my lack of common sense

Which I'm grateful for

Because sense that's common is madness

If I don't keep my own 

What will I have to guide me home?

I never speak more than 5 words to those who aren't willing to listen

I'll never show my true colors to those who aren't willing to see

Because who is blind here, really?

I would offer you a nice reflection

Something easy and pretty to look at

Something expected

Except your words get distorted along with your intentions

When most other people see your persona

I see a broken filter

A prism shooting sunbeams off in too many different directions

Where am I supposed to focus?

You think I'm not playing with a full deck

But you refuse to put down the game

Maybe we're not the same

I'm the threat, the leper, the Other

But it's strange, because you see,

There's no reason to hide from me

Our thoughts might be different 

But in this life we forget that essentially 

We're fucking weird

We are the same

Resisting Temptation

 I hold my breath because I don't want to fall

Into chaotic wisdom

Dark and dismal

Alluring and freeing

Addictive and

Quietly devastating 

I pick up and rise

But I won't allow myself to fall

No matter how liberating it might be in the moment

Pain and destruction wait on the other side

So I rise

I pick myself up into my surroundings 

I let the sound of social media echo chambers

The hum of generators

And the rush of traffic going by in the distance

Like the white noise inside of a sea shell

Nourish me into distraction

Distraction is my meditation, surrender was my downfall

How do I let go once again?

And relax into oblivion

Speechless

 You wonder why I keep to myself

Maybe it’s because giving of myself used to deplete me every time I ran out

And I was left putting my own pieces together with no help

And by the end of it some of them were yours

Because I couldn’t find the original components anymore

Maybe you stole them while I was too busy trying to fix you

Maybe you still have them, maybe you’re making mosaics. 

You all wonder why I seem so god damn uninterested 

Why warm and inviting left with age 15 

And lukewarm became pale dead at 23

Maybe it’s because the ice grew with every hateful word, every cold silence

Every judgment and persecution assigned to me for being human

Just not in the way you wanted me to be

But the good news is…

You set me free. Every single one of you who

Reveled in my sickness and fed on my confusion like parasites

Even the ones who turned a blind eye to my suffering

You wanted me crippled and low so you could climb on my back like a stepping stone

So you could stake out my grave as your new home

But all you taught me

Was how to survive, how to rise, and how to fly on my own

One day metamorphosis will be mine

And unlike all of your fake transitions into carbon copied existence

It’ll be effortless,well earned, and authentic 

Because I won’t need to glue wings to my back to impress anybody

Your shunning, stunning, and ignorant bliss will be my chrysalis

And what emerges at the end of it all

 Will leave you 

                                         S….p…..e 

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